When was the last time you put yourself out there? Spoke up, even when it’s hard and not the popular thing to say. Moved forward with integrity, even when change was frightening! Called someone and revealed a difficult, vulnerably, raw truth from your heart? Did something your soul desired while your small mind warned you of the possible consequences.
Vulnerability!
We are all social creatures who desire connection and love. But while trying to receive love, we experience pain or disconnection from those we care about. We learn what we needed to do in order to receive love. Depending on the type of relationship {friends, family, lovers, co-workers, schoolmates} maybe you needed to be independent, codependent, perfect, happy, giving, mean, disconnected, emotionless, sweet, exciting, tough, successful, smart, rich, powerful, submissive, quiet, sexy, prudish, proper, wild, straight, religious, gay, a feminist, politically correct, liberal, or blablablabla this list can go on forever. You learn that doing certain things will get you love and certain things don’t, and this sets up programming for your behavior.
As a child I learned to be quiet, small and helpful as my family was always under a lot of stress.
I remember I had my first Christmas dance when I was 13. Everyone is suppose to buy flower boutonniere for their dates to wear. I couldn’t bring myself to ask my mom to purchase me this simple item because I was too afraid of "bothering her.” I felt that I needed to be easy and helpful, and I could not ask for too much. I couldn’t want more than I had. So I made up some excuse to my date as to why I didn’t have the the boutonniere.
As I have embarked upon a spiritual path, as I get to know myself better, I become aware of all these patterns and practice how to let them go so I don't have any false pretense in relationships. I strive to live with authenticity, vulnerability and then trusting that path for me. Now, I do my best to share my story vulnerably with others. But that wasn't always the case, as early on I felt shame about my past.
We hold many of old patterns to protect us from shame.
Brene Brown described shame as the fear of feeling disconnection; the fear that if someone knows that one thing, they won’t like you anymore. Unfortunately, fear of shame keeps most of us hiding our authentic self. But if we want someone to love us, don't we want them to love ALL of us, just as we are, Right?! Yet I’ve found myself in the past, keeping quiet or agreeing to something, just to be accepted.
Now, I came to understand that when someone is vulnerable with me and shares an authentic story, it brings me closer to them. Feeling them open up liberates me to feel safe to open up with my own struggles, mistakes or anxieties. These healthy relationships give me more power to show up authentically in all areas of my life.
When someone shares, in a small space or in a huge event, and it's from the heart, I feel it, I resonate and it touches my heart. Heart to Heart y'all.
I have been in superficial relationships with friends where I didn’t feel that I could express my genuine truths with out being judged. I now seek out those who support me from where I am at. Holding me to my own standards while continuing to let me be who I am. That is, truly seeing someone, where they are now, both dark and light, while holding space for their continued evolution into a higher version of themselves. The truth is, when someone is judging you, they have the problem, and you should not let that change your own opinion about the matter.
In my early 20s, I worked in fashion, I was surrounded by people who were a-lists with loads of fancy designer clothes. Simply because I worked next to them, I felt that I had to act important and wear high-fashion gear. I kept up with that persona, and I rarely shared my truth or stories of my past. But, what I realize now is that I could have lowered my guard, and been more myself without worry. The people who were superficial weren't meant to be in my life anyways. I blocked any genuine connections because I didn't feel safe enough to open up.
Have you ever had a relationship that felt superficial and no-one really talked about the genuine, deep shit?! Didn’t that feel disconnected?
That leads me to believe that we MUST be vulnerable and honest about our fears and shame to deeply connect. Therefore, connection is simply a result of vulnerable authenticity. It’s letting go of the ideas of what society or your family or your peers tells you to just be who you are. Right now, wherever you are in your journey, whatever your background or age, be ok with that.
I believe everything I've attained has been because I broke through giving my power away to someone else's opinions or fears. Over a decade ago, I moved to NYC completely alone with no clue what I'd do with myself. That was the first huge leap my soul made and it was years of painful trials in my 20s, seeking self worth outside myself, before I discovered I had to love myself first.
I stayed in a relationship past it’s expiration date because I was afraid of losing my best friend, being uprooted from security and comfort.
I stayed at a safe jobs so I could keep up with 'perceived' security and status.
I continued to spend time in social circles where I was not being fully seen.
Then one day, I woke up. I saw this relationship wasn’t serving, that my career was not a passion but sacrificing my life, and that many of the people close to me didn’t know the real me. My aspirations of healing myself and others really ignited me. I answered the call to leave all these things in NY, to travel, teach and look within myself. Now, I feel much more aligned. But I continue to listen. I started singing in Thailand because my heart was called. I started coaching this year because I had to share what I know. I’m writing this because it’s my truth.
The fear of being fake needs to trump the fear of being disliked, especially when it comes to how you live your life.
Even now in the yoga world, I wonder if some people feel they need to look a certain way or wear a certain brand or know a certain someone. It’s a two way street.
In order for people to feel safe and show up authentically, we need to mirror non-judgement and include those who might not feel safe to express themselves.
Everyone is shaped by an uncontrollable, outside environment, so who are we to judge anyone for where they are on their path. Who are we to judge someone's past? How can we connect and help uplift someone if we are judging them?
We must also be vigilant about continuing to share our truth (even if it’s not always pretty), to liberate others to share theirs.
My wish is for you to feel worthy, accepted and loved with all your past imperfections and unique gifts. I truly believe what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. I love when people are willing to put themselves out there, speak their mind and share their story. Even when you have no idea how someone will respond, doesn't it feel better to share your authentic truth? I think so! I feel so liberated. But i’ll admit, It’s one of the hardest things to do, especially with those we love because we fear their judgement the most. But i’ve found that it’s often the part of you that's hidden which is the most enchanting.
Now that I’m awake to this, I can witness when my gut wrenches at the idea of sharing anything that’s scary or vulnerable. My gut tells me that, Yep, there is FEAR of being SEEN. Fear of letting my truth out. For me now, there is more fear of NOT being seen than there is of being seen. That is the huge shift that happened for me a few years ago when I started to share my story regularly. I recognized that I was disconnected from so many people because I was afraid of being my authentic self. So I wasn’t attracting or connecting those who would see me, the real me, and I was also feeling disconnected in other relationships where many people were being superficial. I feel it’s so important to say what you feel. Speaking up first, whether it's "I love you!” or "you’re really hurting my feelings” Or “we need to change this situation"
There are no guarantees a person will respond how you want them to anyways, so why not always tell the truth.
So I show up for myself each and every day, with my practice, I listen into ... who am I being this day? is this right for me today? Is this still my path? am I being honest with myself and others?
If you are not looking within, how can you know if you’re reflecting your true self to others, right?!
Being vulnerable, even in shame, might break you open to deeper connection, liberation and ultimately freedom.
love,
Diana
